The name of the game in professional wrestling is “getting over” with the crowd. Up until that point, you do whatever it takes to get them to love you (if you’re a good guy) or hate you (if you’re a heel).

When you’re “over,” it’s different. You’ve shown the crowd what to expect from you, and they’re on board. They’re in. They’re with you, whether they’re cheering or booing. You can have an off night or be in a bad storyline and they won’t just abandon you.

I don’t feel like I’m over with anyone.

Even with friends that I’ve known for years, I have this anxiety over how I will perform. As far as my heart is concerned, I’m always one dumb comment away from rejection.

In my dating years, this outlook did me no good.

However, once I found my wife — wife-to-be at the time — I noticed something different: I wasn’t nervous around her. I wasn’t desperate to find out if she were the woman I had been searching for. I allowed myself to be myself in a way I never had, and now, here we are.

After nearly seven years of marriage, I’m more insecure now than I was then.

The thing is, she knows me. She knows everything about me. And she’s done a lot of life with me. That is, I’ve put her through a lot. That leaves me expecting that, at any moment, I’ll deposit the last straw on the camel’s back, and she’ll be done with me.

I treat myself like the crowds on TV treat John Cena.

John Cena has been the top guy at WWE for ten years for a reason. He is consistently cited as being the hardest working person on the roster. He consistently has good matches when it counts. He uses his talent to benefit others.

Yet, whenever he makes his entrance, the crowd is immediately split. You can literally hear it. The chants begin, interlocking like some inevitable drumbeat:

“Let’s go, Cena!” / “Cena sucks!”

“Let’s go, Cena!” / “Cena sucks!”

Why? Because people are tired of him.

He’s been on top, and heavily featured, for ten years. It’s not that he’s bad. It’s that people have watched him for long enough that they have plenty to nitpick. Deal with the same thing for long enough, and the things that used to be cute are now deathly annoying.

That’s me with myself. I’m tired of my own crap. And it kills me when I see other people have the same thought.

So, what’s the answer? Obviously, my value is centered in the wrong place. I know this. It’s one of many things I believe, but fight to feel.

Another work in progress.