Wretch.

Sometimes, I seriously hate myself.

I say this because, for one, it’s the truth. It doesn’t take much for me to get down on myself. One mistake, whether it’s a minor verbal slip or a major lapse in judgment, and I’m growling at myself inwardly. When I give my best effort, and it isn’t enough — or worse, my best effort only makes the situation worse — I want to punish myself for being such a screw-up.

The main reason I say this is because I’ve seen several of my friends post similar comments on their blogs, and I want them to know they’re not alone. Not by far.

I have a lot to learn about how to love myself, particularly being able to forgive myself for mistakes. God is teaching me, and I’m slowly learning. It’s not easy. As it turns out, there’s a reason we sing Amazing Grace. The title of the song isn’t “Well-Earned Grace.” No such thing. It’s amazing that God dispenses his grace to us, even though we mess up so very often.

Here’s my problem: I focus so much on the “amazing” part, I miss the essence. Grace.

“Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
—Paul, Romans 5:7-8

I do God a grave disservice by beating up on myself. The only place for guilt and shame in my life is as an indicator that it’s time to repent. That’s it. Learn, turn, and move on.

God’s love is greater than my failings. In him, I have hope to learn from my errors and grow beyond my own miniscule power.

I’ll be praying. That our attitudes toward ourselves won’t hold us back. That our anger toward ourselves will be momentary and constructive. And that God himself will show us a love greater than our mistakes.

How sweet the sound.